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Oh Forget You, G Wagen

Oh, hey G Wagen. I love you. So F#$k off.

Cortis  profile image
by Cortis
Oh Forget You, G Wagen
Ahem, ladies and gentlemen, to the Mercedes G-Wagen, we say, "f%^k you."

The G500: a vehicular titan of our era. A confluence of opulence and ruggedness. A peak-Clooney-level, "One Fine Day"-level perfect storm of an automobile. Handsome, elegent, rugged. Perenially aging like the finest damn fine wine as the Teslas of the world gum up the damn carpool lane like a bunch of overpriced hard kombucha. Emblem of status for stars, athletes and esteemed money-chuckers around the world. It's an offroad monster. It's like an Orslow military shirt crossed with a YSL leather jacket, except you can friggin' drive it off a cliff and maybe survive and still have a drivetrain left to pick up a green juice and a farm cake from Pierre Lafond.

red suv on gray asphalt road during daytime
Just F$%K off, G Wagen.
The 2023 updates brought forth the G Professional package, a strong engine, internal luxury, and impressive towing capacity. It's no wonder this car has become the apple of so many eyes. Maybe that's putting it litely. This beast is FU#@ING DOPE. Still...just leave me alone, G-Wagen.

Yet, as middle age settles in, it comes with a heavy heart to CALL A SPADE A SPADE— this prized emblem of power has its downsides. With an observed 13 mpg for the 2019 G550 model, this beautiful piece of crap has a thirst impossible to ignore. An unsustainable thirst, one might argue, in an age where every gas-guzzling journey to the Montecito Country Mart, every jaunt to the Habit Burger, even every spiritual pilgrimage to Nojoqui falls could be viewed as a small stab to Mother Earth's ailing heart, no matter how many prayers offered up to the Chumash gods.

black vehicle on focus photography
Bro, don't even start with the BRABUS baloney.
"Dear Cortis, what say you of the age of electric vehicles. Will yon electro-G deliver us the perfect...perfect storm like Clooney?"

Hmm. Let's consider, external fake voice.

While the G500 might devour fuel like it's at a HABIT-BURGER-BINGE-LEVEL gasoline feast, the VISION EQXX by Mercedes-Benz promises over 1,000 km of range with less than 10 kWh/100 km consumption. A notable step toward electric transition, yet one might argue that when they produce an all-electric G-Wagen, the mere idea of flaunting such a costly behemoth might just be, well, a tad f#$king gauche.

Ah, sh%$. F$#k you, Galendenwagen, you perfect off-road machine. Zombie apocalypse ain't happening and I escaped the mudslide in a goshdang Prius, where the f#ck were you when I needed you, yo?

How Can Something So Awesome Be So Damn Stupid? Is this the perfect analogy for life itself?

yellow SUV
NEW ENGLAND VOICE: Look at this as#%ole.

Because, let's face it, the conundrum isn't just about the fuel or the environment. It's about the narrative you're partaking in as you cruise your awesome ass down city streets. Is the G-Wagen the ultimate flex? Or, perhaps, is it the ultimate whack move—a display of excess in a world leaning hard towards minimalism and sustainability?

The history of the G-Wagen is bombproff, tracing back to military roots, and its evolution has seen various engines, updates, and iterations. But, amidst this STREET CRED, one might wonder if the G-Wagen's current incarnation is aligned with the zeitgeist of the 2020s.

It's not. What I'm saying is, f %ck off, G.

Lust as we might for the powerful allure of the G500, perhaps it's time we turned our affections to vehicles that not only satiate our desires for luxury but also tend to the needs of our ailing planet. It's not about denying ourselves, but rather, redefining what it means to truly have it all.

But, not saying I won't snag one when I have the chance. I'm human too, bro.

Cortis  profile image
by Cortis

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